Wanted: Parents

POSITION: Mom, mommy, mama, ma, Dad, daddy, pop

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far-away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule, and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, ths time, the screams from the backyard are real and not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must be able to put together a bike or the latest lego creation with no instructions. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate multible homework projects. (Must be able to come up with said projects with absolutely no prior notice!) Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs five dollars. Must cheer for the losing-est tee-ball team in history with a smile on your face. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must be able to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensible one minute and embarrassing the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of all cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must be able to serve imaginary tea to a bear with a straight face and to assure awkward teens that yearbook photos are "not that bad." Responsibilities include complete stocking, and running, of the kitchen and routine floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. Must monitor all influences coming in from the outside world and discuss accordingly. Must always hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Must accept final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: None, your job is to remain in the same position for years, with no complaining, constantly re-training yourself and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

TERM OF SERVICE: the rest of your life.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: none required. On the job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this--YOU PAY THEM! Offering frequent raises and bonuses to them! A balloon payment is due when they turn eighteen, due to the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental plan, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid sick leave or holidays, no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life! Any takers?

(I did not come up with all of this solely on my own...it was gleaned from several writings like this, and I added some...to be honest. I love it though! Hope you enjoy!)